It Would Have Been Better

Audio Version: It Would Have Been Better
Photo by Felipe Cespedes on

It would have been better
That you had lost interest in me
Or run off with a gorgeous person
Or with the circus

Or to have been reselling my work
Or flushing me down a toilet
Or to have simply forgotten me

Than to tell me that you are unwell
To say that something was wrong
With my darling, enough to have him

I would have preferred to be hypnotized
To believe otherwise
Or to hear that you just had to: eat french fries
With the guys for the weekend
And could not bend toward the phone

It would have been better
Than to hear that you are alone
Which cuts to bone
And soul
Where my heart skips beats heavily having been saddened,

But something happened in your absence and within my worry.
I never believed you could just leave.
It was only a short relief
For what followed
Had me hollowed
And gutted out

That something was terribly wrong
Sickness came on loud and hard
Like a internal blackened song
screaming on repeat
How would I know?
How could I know?
What could I do?
That pond was real and taunted with tongue sticking out
At this tightened pout
Born of fright
Of everything not within my sight

Day one, I was hopeful that life was busy
And nothing should get me in a tizzy
Day two spoke out and my logic kicked in
Repressing all my decisions and stamping down insecurity and fear,
which usually would take command with its scraggly head and jeer.
Day three, I sat next to myself while packing and straining to go find you, to ever mind you,
To decide how, who, what and where to
move next.

To become unperplexed.

I consulted angels, cards, crystals and all the light you left.
It would have been better if you did not love me,
Than to have you unwell. I whispered it prayer like
Child like
Lover like
Mother like
Wife like
In unison
With no confusion
You have to be well
I just found you
And we are magic
Not destined to be tragic.

(Excerpt \”One More Before I Go\” © 1986 -2019 J.E.Todd)

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